


it's not worth it, janus

by Ive_never_read_fluff



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Deceit | Janus Sanders Angst, Deceit | Janus Sanders Has Issues, Deceit | Janus Sanders is a Mess, Gen, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Trans Male Deceit | Janus Sanders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:27:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27366556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ive_never_read_fluff/pseuds/Ive_never_read_fluff
Summary: Janus talks himself down from what would've been a suicide attempt.Okay, well.. maybe he has some help.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 64





	it's not worth it, janus

**Author's Note:**

> Lmk if I need to trigger anything!!
> 
> <3!!

_**achilles, achilles** _

Janus had been through his fair share of "trauma", considering he's still a teenager.

He had been friends with Virgil for almost seven years when Virgil up and left, with no clue as to where he went or if he'd come back.

For some reason, he'd really emotionally connected to Virgil, and he kept the hope that Virgil would show up for exactly eight months and nine days. 

Everything in his room, everything is his neighborhood reminded him of Virgil. 

Once he'd unlocked memories of Virgil ever existing, which was a full year later, when he was having his "first" kiss. 

He'd been pulled into a memory of him and Virgil kissing, and everything they'd ever did crashed down on him all at once and it was so unbearably overwhelming and Janus just had to pull away from that kiss with his then-boyfriend acting as if his world didn't just get flipped upside down in all the worst ways imaginable.

From then on out, Janus would regularly get pulled into these memories, flashbacks, whatever they were- it became normal for Janus to just space out for a few seconds to a minute only to snap back with tears in or streaming out of his eyes.

Janus had a really, really hard time with that.

In all honesty, he still wasn't over it, and he still does get pulled back sometimes, but it's not nearly as bad as it was when he first got them.

He'd never get over Virgil, but.. it was fine.

After the Virgil thing subsided, he'd already made his second suicide attempt.

In total, he's had four attempts right now, on November 3rd, 1:16am, 2020. 

_**achilles, come down** _

The first one was because he'd gotten in trouble at school for the first time and his parents told him they were taking away his phone ( _and by that point, he'd already been diagnosed with depression, and his phone was his only support system, the only thing that post-poned this first attempt, so to get that taken away was the absolute worst thing for Janus_.)

So, knowing he wouldn't be able to handle it, Janus waited until his parents were asleep, walked into their bathroom, and grabbed a pill bottle. 

Once back in his room, he'd downed somewhere around 10-15 of them, when his regular dose was a half of one. 

He cried, like he has for every attempt after, until he calmed down and realized it would all be over soon.

He'd be free soon.

And with that in mind, he drifted to sleep.

Of course, it failed, and only resulted in some light stomach pains the day after.

The second attempt was because the whole Virgil situation, Janus couldn't handle these memories and he was getting forced into them so fucking often and he was crying so much and even if it wasn't a memory everything and everywhere he looked held a memory with Virgil and it wouldn't stop and Janus just wanted it to stop.

And Janus knew how to make it stop.

Janus didn't want to slice his wrists because that just wasn't his thing, y'know? 

So, with the only other thing in the room, he walked over and grabbed his school lanyard, and tied it around his neck, pulling at it so it'd be even tighter. 

He'd passed out after some time, and choking always did relax him, when he was doing it to himself anyway.. but, obviously, he'd woke up a few hours later.

The third attempt was because he was trans, and his parents are huge transphobes, and with the way the world is, he'd probably be denied jobs and a chance for a future even if he did manage to make it just because of the fact that he's a boy and not a girl. 

Just because he was born a girl but turned out to actually be a boy.

It wasn't his fault.

If Janus could choose, he'd choose to be cis.

Obviously.

But he fucking can't.

Janus is trans, he doesn't have a chance in life, he wouldn't even be able to make it through the crippling, overwhelming dysphoria that made him so, so suicidal that it's a surprise that a trans-powered attempt wasn't sooner.

So, Janus looked at himself ( _not him, not actually him, he was staring at a girl, a girl, a girl with long hair and a feminine face, an overweight girl with disordered eating and a habit to binge and restrict as well as binge and purge, a girl with tears streaming down her face, a girl who was gasping for breath, a girl who had attempted suicide twice before, a girl was ready to be free, a girl who just wanted to be free_ ).

But, no, it wasn't a girl. 

Janus wasn't a girl, and yet.. who stared back at him in the mirror sure did look like one. 

Janus was a boy. 

A boy with a feminine face, a boy trapped in a girl's body, a boy with long hair, an overweight boy with disordered eating and a habit to binge and restrict as well as binge and purge, a boy with tears streaming down his face, a boy who was gasping for breath, a boy who had attempted this same exact thing he was about to do again twice before, a boy who was ready to be free, a boy who was ready to let go of this wrong body and who knew that death was the only way for him to do that, a boy who just wanted to be who he really is, a boy who just wants to be free.

So, Janus grabbed the rope, stood on a chair, attached the rope to a thing on the ceiling, slipped it around his neck, and kicked the chair down.

Apparently the little thing on the ceiling couldn't hold his weight, because as soon as he kicked the chair away, the rope snapped in half and he fell. 

Fuck.

Another failed attempt, then.

Janus was upset at that failing, but that night he relapsed after almost two weeks of staying clean, so he settled on risking hitting an artery or vein. 

He didn't do that, either.

But the cutting helped him calm down, so.. that's good, he guesses.

The fourth attempt was because everything was clouding his brain that night, the whole thing with Virgil, the being trans, the being a disappointment, the disordered eating, the self harm, and.. something he'd rather not get into, because that's a quick spiral and he'd prefer to not add a fifth attempt right now. 

His brain was too active.

He wanted to to shut up.

He needed it to shut up.

And, once again, he knew how to.

How to make it stop, make everything stop, how to be free, how to make it better.

How to make it shut up.

So, he slowly walked up into the bathroom, looked around for a second, and took an unopened pill bottle of extra strength pain killers back to his room.

Once in his room, he'd closed the door, and stared at the bottle for a bit.

Was he really about to do this?

To end it all, finally?

Yes, yes he was, he concluded after some more time staring at it.

This pill bottle was harder to open than the one he used in his first attempt, so it took a minute.

To quote both CyberBully and Heathers, "stupid child proof cap!".

Once he'd gotten it open, he started at the pills inside for a couple more seconds, before tipping the bottle over and pouring 17-28 pills ( _he can't exactly remember, but it was one of those_ ) into his hand.

He got his water bottle, taking more time to just.. think.

About what he was doing, that he should talk to people instead, and some vague thought that this wasn't good.

That thought was ignored, as he swallowed all the pill within one minute and thirty seconds.

He'd been in that same almost apathetic state for about twenty minutes after.

During that time, he'd texted his friend.

Said he's sorry if he didn't text them tomorrow, and that to tell someone if he didn't text them back by nine in the morning. 

He wouldn't want to be too dead when they found him.

His mother has touched too many cold, dead bodies for Janus to want to add on to that list.

After those twenty minutes, he'd realized what he'd done and started sobbing uncontrollably. 

He searched up what the lethal dose was, symptoms of overdose, fatality of overdose, at home treatment for overdose, what to expect after an OD, that type of stuff.

That scared him more, but.. it was fine, because after three hours of straight sobbing ( _and he's pretty sure it turned into a panic attack sometime between that, because he remembers getting noticably more panicked and he couldn't breathe and all he could focus on was that he was going to die, that he was dying, but he also remembers calming himself down from that and returning to the regular sobs, wary to keep his breathing as steady as it could be in that situation so it wouldn't trigger another panic attack_ ), he realized that he was finally, finally going to be free. 

He was finally going to leave.

Finally, after three failed attempts, he was finally leaving.

His stomach had started hurting by that time too, and he felt unbearably nauseous.

He thought he was already dying.

Soon, he calmed down enough, and he fell asleep, for what he was certain would be the last time.

_**won't you** _

The disappointment when he woke up the next morning was.. immeasurable. 

The day after was absolute hell, his stomach hurt so fucking bad and he had school that day.

He didn't do the homework, because he thought the overdose hadn't caught up to him yet, and he thought he was going to die later that day instead of the night like he'd wanted.

Of course, he didn't.

Only that time, he was almost relieved he didn't die.

Since then, he's been cutting everyday, because, as he realized that day after: he doesn't want to die, and the day before the fourth attempt he didn't cut and before that ( _while he was actively cutting_ ) he was fine but the one day he doesn't cut he attempts suicide for the fourth time. 

Yeah, no, Janus was going to stick to cutting from there on out.

Except, he forgot to cut one day.

Again.

Janus had climbed up onto the roof of a building, and it was past midnight.

He could jump.

He could be free.

**_get up off_ **

There was a voice in his head telling him to get down, he doesn't want to die, if he cuts he'll be okay and he won't do this, he just needs to go back and cut, he doesn't want to jump, he doesn't want to end everything.

That voice was a little too late.

Janus had just entered apathy before climbing onto this building.

He couldn't be saved even if he wanted to.

He couldn't get better even if he wanted to.

He couldn't.

He was finally too far gone.

He was finally bad enough.

But, that voice was still there, whispering that he didn't want this, that he should get down, and Janus knows it's wrong, so he ignores it.

**_get up off the roof_ **

Well.. he _tried_ to ignore it, but it just got louder.

More persistent.

Clearer.

Like it was breaking through the apathy, like it wanted him safe, wanted him to survive.

That's nice, even if it's in his own head.

The voice spoke logic ( _as logical as Janus's fucked up brain can get, anyways_ ), and it was helping tear down the apathy.

Maybe Janus didn't want to die.

Maybe Janus should get down.

Off the roof.

To safety.

So he could go back home and cut.

And feel better.

And not die.

And live.

And survive.

Maybe Janus does want to survive.

Janus should get down, off the roof.

Janus needs to get off the roof.

.. but Janus wants to stay on the roof.

The apathy is stronger.

It's not quite apathy anymore, but there's not another word for what he's feeling right now.

Janus is already too bad.

He can't be saved.

He doesn't deserve to be saved, anyway.

He's finally bad enough.

And tonight he might finally end everything.

_**you're scaring us** _

Janus doesn't want to get down.

Janus shouldn't get down.

Janus doesn't deserve to get down, off the roof.

The roof's rather nice.

The wind ( _that could push him over the edge if he stands close enough_ ), the night sky ( _he heard somewhere that people turn into stars when they die, he wonders if he'll turn into a star_ ).. it's nice ( _just like the sound of his cracking bones as he lands on the ground_ ).

His friend, Remus, would love these thoughts.

Poor Remus, if he had to deal with them all the time.

He doesn't act like they bother him but Janus knows when someone's lying.

Almost distantly, Janus wonders if Remus would be excited to watch him fall to his death.

These thoughts start to fight against the apathy-but-not-really.

_**and all of us** _

The voice is back, and it's louder than any other time before.

It doesn't hurt, though, instead it's.. comforting, almost.

The voice tells him to come down.

He doesn't want this.

He doesn't want to die.

He just needs to get off the roof.

Then he can go home and cut, and he'll feel better.

So much better.

He just needs to get off this roof.

He should get off this roof.

As he climbs down, off the roof, he feels.. he isn't quite sure how he feels, but the voice is telling him he's doing a good job, and now to go home and cut, do he can feel better.

He's finally off the roof.

He got off the roof.

He's walking back home now, and he remembers he left his phone in his pocket. 

He bring it out, and decides to read old text messages from when his friend was comforting him after he sent some venty text.

_**some of us love you** _

He gets caught up in his phone, in those texts saying they loved him, that he deserves to be happy, that if he died they'd be so sad, that they don't want him to die, that he's worth more, that they care about him and his well-being.

" _i love you so much_ "

He's about nine minutes away from his house, according to google maps and his surroundings.

" _i care about you_ "

Eight minutes.

" _i'll always be here to listen_ "

Seven minutes.

" _i'd be absolutely devastated if anything were to happen to you_ "

Six minutes.

" _just call or text if you need anything, even if it's just to talk_ "

Five.

" _please, at least consider coming to me when you feel upset_ "

Four.

" _one mistake isn't enough to make me leave you_ "

Three.

" _you're definitely in my top three favorite people to exist_ "

Two.

" _you'll never lose me, i promise_ " 

One.

" _i love you_ "

**_achilles, ~~it's not much but~~ there's proof_ **

**Author's Note:**

> what's that? a happy ending? oh my god.. frankly i'm in shock & i'm the one who wrote it..
> 
> song: Achilles Come Down (yes i found this one on tiktok too 😔)


End file.
